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The Stuff Behind The Stuff...                                  
                                    

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The Stress We Choose

2/12/2018

13 Comments

 
In the spring of 2016, I was at my wits’ end - my father had been in the hospital, very ill, spent a stint (most unhappily) in rehab, and had finally consented to move into an assisted living arrangement. I was spending a lot of time burning 90 minutes each way on the interstate to help with things…from labeling everything in his new apartment to trying to figure out when and how we would sell his home. At the same time, we were dealing with other family illnesses, I was managing our son’s DI team, keeping my business going (including an unusual number of speaking engagements), and managing the house almost full-time due to my husband’s travel schedule. It’s not like I was handling all of this responsibility completely on my own, but it was a huge shift in terms of schedule, tasks, and emotions.

I told my family during a rare evening all together that I felt like Gumby, stretched in all directions with no end in sight. I’m guessing lots of you have been there.

I was also becoming incredibly forgetful and scattered - doing things like double-booking appointments, forgetting to get school fees turned in, and (gasp) routinely losing my keys. Some days I couldn’t focus or remember what had just been said to me. I started Googling to see if extreme stress can induce ADHD symptoms. As it turns out, stress can affect executive functions like task management and planning - and yet we tend to think of it the other way around (good time management and planning skills decreasing stress).  I got through that spring, but it felt like just barely.

Contrast that whole situation with a year and a half later when we decided to move to a smaller house and yard, and stay in the same school zone. It's not a secret that moving is a stressful event. You may recall that our particular move was challenged by the fact that we found the perfect house before our original one had sold. So yes, we closed on a new house without having sold the one we were still living in. Not ideal, but that’s the way it worked out. We staged the first house, painted, coordinated repairs and yard cleanup, cleaned baseboards, washed windows, called for donation pickups, got ready for numerous open houses, vacuumed what seemed like enough dog hair to fill several mattresses - anyone who has put a house on the market knows the drill. All this while gradually preparing the new home, moving smaller items and furniture in a little at a time, purging more stuff, more painting and repairing - oh, and still running my business, handling family responsibilities, etc., etc., etc.

But this time, although the stress was once again extreme and I’m confident I was just as busy, I didn’t drop any balls (or none that I recall), and nothing was missed. I always knew where my keys were (even from one house to another), and Gumby didn’t even cross my mind until I started writing this.

What was the difference? There may be science out there that answers the question, but anecdotally I would say it’s a combination of perception and fit. When life handed me challenges I'd rather have ignored or avoided, my brain did everything possible to take a vacation. If we perceive that the challenges are negative, or that they won’t ultimately lead to a good result, we carry out our responsibilities with a constant, subtle (or maybe not-so-subtle) inner resistance. Conversely, when we really want something, or want to accomplish something, our systems will put up with a lot. I wanted to move, and I knew that ultimately the choice to relocate would be a good fit for our family in many ways. Thus, I sucked it up and stayed focused on all of the moving parts no matter how crazy things got. 

What you select for seemingly smaller tasks makes a difference, too. We all face things that must be done vs. things that could be done. In that second category, are you making the wise decisions? Do you choose things that reflect your values and who you are, or do you choose tasks and projects to please others or just because someone asked you? For example, did I really need to accept all of the speaking engagements that hectic spring of 2016?  Or did I agree to them because I thought I should, or because I didn’t pause to be aware of the time it would cost me? Filling up your time with commitments that don’t mean much compounds the stress - not to mention leaves you feeling depleted, possibly resentful.

So with what are you wanting or facing this year, try examining the choices you DO have some control over in order to make your life flow a little more easily. Have you set some pretty lofty goals or started big projects? Or are you perhaps doing your own Gumby dance, dealing with difficulties that you have no alternative but to accept? What can you choose that makes it easier? 
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13 Comments
Diane Quintana link
2/17/2020 07:13:26 am

Love this! Gumby is my middle name (not really). But, I totally understand what you're talking about. I went through a 2.5 - 3 year period feeling somewhat similarly. In December, I had a light bulb moment, paused, and started reclaiming that which I thought I had lost. I'm still in the reclamation process and moving slowly, purposefully (like the tortoise) toward good enough.

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Sara
2/17/2020 11:11:34 am

Hi Diane - thanks for stopping by! I'm glad you're in the reclamation process (I'll bet there's a blog post in there somewhere), and I love the phrase "good enough."

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Seana Turner link
2/17/2020 07:17:27 am

This is pretty interesting, and you have me thinking this morning. Another factor that may have complicated your first situation was concern about your father's health, which is very stressful. I do think we handle the complexity we choose much better than that which is thrust upon us. We see a positive outcome which we are moving toward, and that feeds our brains in a positive way. Solid planning habits help in times like these, but when life truly dumps on us, I think we all fall apart. I know I would have felt stretched and pulled in both of the situations you described, so cheers to you for having handled it all!

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Sara
2/17/2020 11:14:47 am

Thanks, Seana. You're absolutely right, when the health of a loved one is at risk it creates a huge drain on internal resources. Sometimes, too, we have to be "on" so lightning quick in those situations. Then once the initial panic has passed there's exhaustion. I'm grateful that our family came through that period of life stronger.

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Linda Samuels link
2/17/2020 07:46:40 am

So many thoughts ran through as I read your beautiful post. First off, I love Gumby and have a small collection of Gumby's in various sizes. He is a perfect symbol of flexibility (and fun!) And a good reminder that we have the ability to stretch, but we also need to understand when we're overreaching. I can only imagine how difficult a time it was for you with your father's health challenges, responsibility for him along with managing the rest of your life. I've been there and get it. What helped me during those especially challenging times were a few things- being kind to myself, reaching out for help, recognizing it was a temporary situation, and saying "no" to things that needed to wait. However, after two plus years living at that intensity, I needed to step way back and remove many things from my plate. I've spent time refilling the well.

On another note, our younger daughter was involved in DI. I was a team leader one of the years and loved it and ALL that DI does for kids. What an amazing program!

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Sara
2/17/2020 11:19:23 am

You're so right - we lose sight of the fact that all things pass, one way or another. It is helpful to remember, and to remember to say "no" when appropriate. And the fact that you have a Gumby collection makes me happy. :)

Also - have we talked about DI before? So few people understand that unique activity and all that managing a team entails. Some days I miss it...and then I remember our entire bonus room being covered in costumes, foam core, duct tape, straws, mailing labels, and balsa wood!

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Hazel Thornton link
2/17/2020 09:39:19 am

You are talking about, essentially, good stress v. bad stress. While there are some forms of stress that are more difficult to un-choose, or delegate (such as a parent's aging/illness), I find that people often think they have no choice...until they realize they do (sometimes after talking to a friend, therapist, clergy, organizer, time management coach, etc.), freeing them to make a different choice that alleviates the stress. Also, for the things one can't control, one can always re-frame how one thinks about it as a way of alleviating stress. Such a fascinating topic (to me) and always thought-provoking!

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Sara
2/17/2020 07:52:47 pm

Very good point, Hazel - we usually have more resources than we think, if we can pause long enough to consider. One thing I DID do was look at the numerous car rides as opportunities to listen to things I wouldn't take time for otherwise - podcasts and opera and such. It helped to pass the time and take my mind off of the difficult situation. Thanks for commenting!

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Janet Barclay link
2/17/2020 10:21:04 am

I guess it's a long time since I've "chosen" stress - I've lived in the same place for 16 years and have been self-employed full-time for 15. But I have seen how "unchosen" stress affects me. I was recently looking at a project I did a couple of years ago and noticed I'd missed a step. I was trying to figure out how this happened when I realized it was while my dad was in palliative care. :(

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Sara
2/17/2020 07:53:55 pm

Yes, those are the times we have to give ourselves a big break, right? Self-compassion is important.

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Angie Hyche link
2/17/2020 10:47:19 am

Great post! I love the Gumby image and parallel. Stress is such a pervasive factor in our lives, so anything that can help us with it is golden!

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Julie Bestry link
2/17/2020 05:12:14 pm

I couldn't agree more with your assessment that it's not just change and stress, but it's change and stress related to things we perceive and positive or negative. I was once so anxious about a job change I didn't really want that I stopped my car, got out, and realized I'd never taken it out of drive...and had to chase my car for a few yards to jump back in and put it in park.

When we perceive ourselves as being in charge and not really reacting to everything else, we tend to have healthier responses. Or at least, we remember to put the car in park!

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Nancy Haworth link
2/17/2020 05:46:11 pm

Wonderful post! I love the Gumby analogy, and how you discuss how stress can affect executive functions. You're right that we need to make choices about the stressors that we have control over, like lightening our committments when dealing with a family illness. Thank you for this insight.

Reply



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