Let’s pretend I’m in a session with a client. Let’s call her Olive. Olive and I have been clearing and sorting with a vengeance. Laughing about the 70s-era label maker or the Rolodex we’ve just unearthed. Dutifully filling boxes for the local free shredding event.
And then it happens. Aware that we’ve gotten into a symbiotic groove with the work, I hold up a small, seemingly insignificant object that hasn’t seen the light of day in at least two years. Assuming we have an easy decision here, I nod slightly and say, “We can let this go, yes?” Assumptions are dangerous, right? She stares back at me, her expression a mixture of surprise, apology, and bewilderment. “B-b-but that’s a perfectly good __________[Allen wrench/ponytail holder/bottle opener/pad of paper!!]" - fill in the blank with whatever random item you can conjure up. Ack. Those words. Sometimes we say them to justify keeping things, sometimes to convince others to keep things. I’ve said them myself, usually in connection with an article of clothing I thought one of my kids ought to be wearing since I had gone to the motherly trouble of buying it. My own mother used to guilt me with those words, always with some piece of furniture or home decor she was tired of, but thought I should appreciate and drag into my own house (“That’s a perfectly good embroidered linen tablecloth, Sara Josephine!” - sure Mom, for you and YOUR iron, maybe...). In organizing sessions I call items like this pivotal objects, because they can become a tipping point in the progress. You either make a decision and move past it, or you get stuck, wring your hands and start rationalizing. I’ve come to actually appreciate pivotal objects because they can teach us a lot if we take a little time with them. It may be that suddenly the previous purging frenzy might not feel as comfortable as you’re letting on. Maybe you should actually be keeping all that stuff in the closet…maybe, OMG maybe this has all been a big mistake! Or perhaps there’s guilt, shame, or a wish that something was different than it is. Sometimes there’s a complex, fascinating story behind your 5x7 ceramic picture frame or a package of toner cartridges. When pivotal objects are small, like a bottle opener or the dreaded branded pad of paper, they seem innocent enough. That perfectly good box of toner doesn't take up much space (never mind that you don’t own the printer anymore)...what’s the harm in keeping it?? No harm at all, unless one perfectly good pivotal object starts turning into thirty. And perfectly good for who or what? Breaking it down a bit - “perfectly" implies that something has been working or functioning at its optimum level. It can’t get any better. It’s flawless. “Good” seems obvious enough, but if you look it up in the dictionary (and assume that we’re talking about the adjective), there’s a lot to digest. Is Olive's ancient ponytail holder really functioning at its highest level, and conforming to the moral order of the universe? If a pad of branded notepaper sits in the bottom of the desk drawer, and no one is there to scribble their "to do" list on it, does it still exist? Is it perfectly good for the space it occupies? Am I pressing on the flower print dress I bought for my daughter without her input (as if I went temporarily insane and thought she was still 4) because it’s perfect for her? Or because I’m a little ticked at myself for spending the time and money on something - and sad that her tastes are growing up without me? I don't force the issue with a pivotal object. I hold it, and we talk about it, and examine it from lots of different angles. Sometimes the Allen wrench stays, sometimes it goes. But from there on out Olive is usually relaxing and making easier decisions. What sort of weird little object have you gotten hung up on? What happened to it? p.s. I eventually found the resolve to start turning down my mother’s many offerings, and discovered she and I both survived my pushback just fine. Well, ok, except for the books. I always went for the books. p.s.s. And oh geez, that was out loud - now you guys know my middle name. :-/
14 Comments
1/28/2019 07:55:07 am
This is great! Yup, those pivotal objects which are 'perfectly good' can mire you in the mud or they can allow you to create some new sorting 'rules'. Whatever they do, they provide the opportunity for healthy discussion and a review of the purpose of the exercise.
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Sara
1/28/2019 10:35:37 am
Thanks Diane - yes, a "review of the purpose of the exercise" is a great way to look at it.
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1/28/2019 11:28:36 am
Oh, I love this! I think I have a few items that I'll never use even if the occasion arises, because I won't even remember that I have it. I am, however, becoming more ruthless about such things every year. :)
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Sara
1/28/2019 01:26:43 pm
I think we all have a few things like that. I caught myself just staring at a t-shirt I used to love to wear that I now avoid because the neck got stretched out. Finally put it in the donation bag, but I don't know why I even hesitated!
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1/28/2019 11:43:26 am
Pivotal objects - now I finally have a name for them! Thank you.
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Sara
1/28/2019 01:27:04 pm
Thanks for stopping by, Melanie!
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1/28/2019 11:51:58 am
I love your points about pivotal objects. No matter how small, they can becoming a tipping point in progress. When keeping one pivotal item grows to keeping many, it limits the space needed for necessary objects. Thanks for taking such an in depth look at this topic.
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Sara
1/28/2019 01:27:38 pm
Sure, Nancy - thanks for the kind words!
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1/28/2019 12:19:59 pm
I found that I get stuck with craft and scrapbook stuff. So, to combat these little things that add up, I clear out the things that are parts of other items that I used up. I know many people who will keep those scraps. Not me. Recycling is great for those scraps when possible.
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Sara
1/28/2019 01:29:00 pm
I'm not much of a scrapbooker, but I've been given the supplies and then felt guilty about what to do with them) I passed most of it to my daughter (who actually DID want it).
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1/28/2019 12:32:47 pm
I love the term "pivotal objects." This really can be anything, and the emotional challenge can jump up out of nowhere. I worked once with a client clearing out her mother's home. She was doing very well and seemed very emotionally stable, and then we picked up a old cold cream jar. She stopped in her tracks. "That was my mother's pin jar," she said. We had to sit with that for a couple of minutes. Eventually, she let it go, but it was loaded with significance to her. To be honest, she was surprised herself by the way she reacted to that jar.
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Sara
1/28/2019 01:32:17 pm
Yes, Seana, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about! I once had someone spend 30 minutes talking through a gift (a digital photo frame) their ex had given them that they had never even taken out of the package. Once they heard themselves talk about it out loud it was much easier to make a decision. Thanks for the comment.
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1/28/2019 01:32:49 pm
I love your mixture of humor and compassion. In addition, I never heard of the term "pivotal object," which is fabulous. Sounds like you coined that phrase. What you described is so familiar (all of it,) from the client to the personal experience of getting stuck on a decision. Teasing out the answer is the tricky part. And knowing when to keep asking the questions and when to put something aside can also be challenging. Those conversations are integral to the work we do.
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Sara
1/28/2019 06:00:20 pm
Wow, maybe I did coin something - hadn't considered it that way. Thanks! :-) We talk about indecision being the cause of clutter, and who likes to be pressured on decisions? I've just noticed that if we slow down a little bit with that "teasing out" part, the result is much more satisfactory all the way around. Thanks for the comment!
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AuthorSara Skillen - Certified Professional Organizer®, coach, wife and mom, and serial list-maker. Excited to be in the process of becoming a Certified Organizer Coach. Learning to trust my intuition more every day. Shall we work together? Archives
January 2019
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