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All Up In Your Head

4/20/2020

19 Comments

 
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Almost any decision is better than no decision at all. - Brian Tracy
Clutter is the result of postponed decisions. - Barbara Hemphill
I'm terrible at decision-making. - a lot of my clients
Many of you have heard these quotes, or something akin to them. Or maybe you've repeated one or two of them. They resonate because they feel true - and I know this both through experience and instinct. I recite the one from Barbara Hemphill to people a lot, and it always hits home - but I also know that for many it's simultaneously easy to digest and difficult to execute. What all lies behind making what seems like a simple choice? Quite a lot, in my observation, and we miss an opportunity when we stop at the end of the quotes. 

Sometimes when I'm working with someone on a space attempting to provide homes for too many objects, the client will hold up one of those objects with a look of distaste. Or maybe even complete revulsion. I can see it on their face or in the way they handle it. It could be anything from a picture frame their ex gave them to a wall calendar from 2003. I wait to see what's going to happen next, and I hear them ask, "Can I get rid of this?"* or "Should I keep this?" or "What should I do?"


Of course, you can get rid of it. Of course, you can keep it. Of course, we can discuss it if we need to. But what in the client needed me to approve one of their options, when it was pretty evident that they already knew what needed to happen? It's not my stuff, and honestly it's not even my job to force someone to get rid of things. Sometimes, too, I see people get totally locked up with decision-making. They aren't seeking approval, necessarily, but they freeze at the thought of making a choice. For whatever reason, choosing is scary. 

It happens just as frequently with schedule clutter, or head clutter. Who gets to see me for lunch on Saturday, who gets my time for a volunteer gig? Which goals do I want to pursue, which do I want to postpone, which do I want to let go of entirely? 

 I observe the process getting hung up in three distinct ways:


  1. Decisions mean cutting off other options - (FOMO - choosing this has to mean giving up that).
  2. Decisions need permission (lack of self-trust - see the aforementioned "Can I get rid of this?")
  3. Decisions require acceptance of what is, as opposed to what we imagine or fantasize.

There's a ton of neuroscience about how making decisions plays out in the brain. Doing a little research for this post, the following passage from the website Applied Attention caught my attention:

"Even simple decisions are complicated. We have a clever brain that leads us to believe that we came up with our reasons first and then we made our decision – it turns out that it often happens in reverse. Neuroscientists have found that, in many situations, we make a decision first and then come up with our reasons to support the decision afterwards (emphasis mine)."

It seems to confirm what I notice when clients clearly, with their body language, indicate that they already know what they need to do about something.

I also came across this gem: the average American makes roughly 35,000 decisions a day. Granted, many of those are really small and quick (Which coffee mug am I going to grab? Sweatshirt...or flannel?). But decision fatigue is a real thing, and the role of intuition and mindfulness in decision-making is all but lost. I think this loss is due in no small part to a) the gargantuan level of information we can consume 24-7-365, all with a few clicks, and b) the gargantuan level of stuff and opportunities we've been presented with, also all with a few clicks. Who wouldn't be fatigued?

My thought is that because there is so much cheap and easy information, people gravitate towards relying solely on head decisions, to the exclusion of heartfelt or embodied decisions. We're taught to make "informed" choices, ask for opinions, subscribe to Consumer Reports, check out how many stars there are. 

If we don't carefully read through all 27 reviews of the bed & breakfast online, we'll make the wrong choice for our vacation, and then it will absolutely, totally, suck. Someone will mock us or think less of us if we select the wrong type of coffee maker. There are 10,000+ planners available on Amazon, but if we don't identify The One, our lives will disintegrate into an unscheduled, goal-less wasteland. We've become accustomed to calling for backup of some sort on every move we make - and wow, there's a lot to parse through in that backup.

What happened to trusting your gut? There's nothing wrong with collecting some knowledge if you don't have it, and certainly if the stakes are high (buying a house, getting married, changing careers) we want to utilize our brains as well as our hearts. But really, where do we draw the line on things like keeping old bank statements? Or the jeans that don't fit now? Do those decisions require brainstorming?

What if you could exercise the intuitive, gut-level decision-making muscle in some small ways, with some choices that aren't make-or-break? With life slowing down for many of us right now, there's a fabulous opportunity to play with the process. You might work with it this way:


  • The first step is to notice when you are chewing on something that could be an easy choice. Mindfulness of the rumination (a regular meditation practice, even if just a few minutes a day, can help). See if you can observe when it's happening.
 
  • Let's say it's deciding whether or not to let go of a stack of old books you come across in a closet. Give away, or box up and store? When you consider the choice, what do you feel in your body? What does that feeling seem to be telling you?
 
  • Do you, in fact, already have a pretty strong indication of what should happen? 
 
  • What other options start to pop into your head? Is there a tug to seek out some affirmation? See if you can let those go and check in with your body again.
 
  • What happens if you let go of fact-collecting, or story creation, just for this decision? 
 
  • Can you make your decision based upon the first inclination you had?

Journaling or keeping a log of how these kinds of decisions work for you over time can give you some great information. How many times does instinct work out for you? Could you be trusting it more, and coming out ahead as a result? You might even try timing yourself on small decisions, limiting the opportunity to fall into that head-based process.

I'll end with another quote:
Every decision brings with it some good, some bad, some lessons, and some luck. The only thing that’s for sure is that indecision steals many years from many people who wind up wishing they’d had the courage to leap. - Doe Zantamata

* We'll drop the grammar rules in this case for the sake of colloquialism. No one ever says to me, "May I get rid of this?"
19 Comments
Diane N. Quintana link
4/20/2020 07:57:38 am

Sara, This is a fabulous commentary. I love the way you have broken down decision making. Why not trust your gut? Biology tells us our brain is connected to our gut. This is why we get butterflies in anticipation of public speaking (for instance). Thank you for putting all this in writing.

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Sara
4/20/2020 11:19:09 am

Thanks, Diane - I am fascinated with the idea that we get as much information from our gut and our heart as we do our head. This may extend into more than one post on the subject.

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Seana Turner link
4/20/2020 08:36:38 am

This past weekend someone I know was struggling with a big decision. Understandable, as making decisions in this period of uncertainty is even more challenging than it usually is! I found myself becoming impatient, because I felt I had offered all I had on the topic weeks ago, and thought a decision had been made. What I learned is that we all have different decision-making styles. I realized I wasn't the right "wrench" for this person in this moment, and was glad she had others who were able to be there for her. I tend to consider the options, make a decision, and move on. Others need to soak longer in the process, and this is also ok.

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Sara
4/20/2020 11:21:23 am

Absolutely. And yes, during this time of uncertainty it feels hard to decide even on tiny issues. Sometimes, though, the soaking turns into marinating which turns into...nothing. Just wondering how intuition could be helpful.

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Linda Samuels link
4/20/2020 10:24:42 am

What a wonderful post, Sara! There's so much here and I'm not sure which direction to go in (decisions, decisions!) Perhaps the head and the heart idea. When I was ICD president, those were the words I encouraged the board to live by. We could gather all the stats in the world, but if we didn't mix the information collected with heart, our decisions would not take into account the personal aspect of our association and members/subscribers. And in life, I am guided by those two- head AND heart. In the best case scenarios, I gather enough information to satisfy and inform my mind, and then sit quietly with it to sense and feel forward. Does it always work? No. But more often than not, it is how I navigate life.

Being able to help my clients find their right decision-making mix is also something I work on with them. Paying attention to decision-fatique, self-esteem, mitigating circumstances and more. Mostly, though, giving them the time, consideration, and space to own their choices is what I help them with.

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Sara
5/2/2020 07:13:37 am

Time, consideration, and space - absolutely. It's wonderful if we can also encourage clients to give those things to themselves. Thanks, Linda!

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Melissa Gratias link
4/20/2020 10:59:34 am

Well articulated, Sara! Analysis paralysis leads so many of us toward doing...nothing. If we can't make the "perfect" decision, we opt not to decide at all, knowing that indecision *is* a decision. It's a terrible cycle. Thank you for your empowering message.

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Sara
5/2/2020 07:14:09 am

Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Melissa!

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Molly
4/20/2020 01:46:43 pm

Thanks for this Sara! Decision making is not one of my strong points and the less important the topic, the harder it is for me to make a decision. I really need to learn to trust my instincts more! Great post!

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Sara
5/2/2020 07:15:11 am

Thanks, Molly - it's hard to trust instincts sometimes, especially in times like these.

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Julie Bestry link
4/21/2020 11:51:41 am

Such good points! I find that I either have an immediate, gut-level certainty with a decision or I need to research something within an inch of its life -- I have no middle ground. Often, when I'm spiraling -- there's nothing new to be researched -- I'm just fearing making the wrong decision, as you noted. At those times, I end up detailing it all to the smartest person I know in that field and invariably they tell me to do what I realize is really my first choice anyway. Still, as professional organizers, it really helps to be reminded of why these decisions are so hard for our clients!

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Sara
5/2/2020 07:19:28 am

Yes, there's a lot of value in reaching out to others for other ideas and perspectives (maybe that helps us build more trust in ourselves?). As you well know, however, sometimes clients will reach out to someone and get a judgmental or unhelpful response. Deciding who to reach out to becomes yet another decision. Lots of layers here. Thanks for the comment, Julie!

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Ann “Bruce” Jircitano
4/27/2020 10:05:09 am

Sara,
I just read your post on decision making from last week and am feeling my heart flutter with anxiety😳👍 and HOPE!🌅
This post was right on time for me as I engage with the household clutter that is increasingly in my face now that I am staying in one place long enough to notice its effects on my daily life.
I am grateful for your insight as I heard you with my head first. I allowed it to sink into my heart and recognized that I already know this concept well and I still struggle to let go of my patterns of perfectionism and indecision that kept me safe as a child.

Decision making requires a level of risk tolerance that is sometimes overlooked. As a child, at school and home, it became safer to be told what to do than risk the anger, verbal abuse or corporeal punishment from adults. Someone might become angry or belittle me in front of others if I made a decision they didn’t like so I learned to be silent and “walk on eggshells” in order to feel safe. Through years of dedication to recovering my “self”, I have increasingly found my voice.
My journey to wholeness currently is leading me to learn about Adult ADHD and how it has impactEd my life. Feeling my feelings is painful but necessary work that I am no longer willing to avoid and the heart journey has arrived in the stillness of the pandemic. Although painful, I am welcoming the growth!

Having knowledge has been a safety mechanism that kept me safe from ridicule, belittling, and becoming vulnerable. I have learned to be vulnerable with safe people and am still learning to let go of the need to please those who may attempt to diminish my worth. I am learning not to “Bleed in front of the Sharks” so to speak. I am learning to discern the quality of my relationships based on their reactions or responses to my needs. As I let go of the reactions of others and fear of conflict, I step into the power that is mine to change what I can, which is my responses.
Conflict is normal in all relationships and as I become more autonomous in decision-making, expressing my opinions, there will be conflict. I can negotiate agreements with those I value and also make decisions that are best for me.

I know what triggers my fear and anxiety today, and one day at a time, and finding the courage to make decisions that are in my best interest. Trusting my voice is a work in progress! Today, I am willing to look at ways In which I distort reality and let go of limiting beliefs.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom which ultimately leads back to “Trusting my own gut” instead of someone else’s. I do not need to look outside myself for validation”.
I have noticed that I am making many decisions each day that are not within my comfort zone since the pandemic and I have become more confident in following my heart in small areas that were previously hidden.
Thank you for allowing me to have a voice in a safe place today👍😊

Be well!
Bruce

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Sara
10/10/2020 01:25:10 pm

Wow, Bruce. Thank you for sharing these thoughts! You've clearly done a lot of work that has supported you in your progress, and it's great to read that your confidence is building. Humbled that you took the time to read and comment in such a heartfelt way. Here's to following our hearts. 🙏

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Matt Celentano link
10/21/2020 12:29:12 pm

Choosing is scary! Fear of the unknown can paralyze people, and having to make too many important decisions in a small amount of time can be overbearing. When making a decision many people want to be well informed about the consequences of each option. This can cause delays in decision making. When in reality the difference in the decision will not greatly affect that person’s life whether they go one way or the other. I love making the decision to let things go because that's one less thing I have to worry about, and I could be giving someone else a wonderful gift in the process.

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Sara
12/10/2020 12:49:55 pm

Yes, framing it as "who else might benefit if I let things go?" can be very effective!

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Janet Barclay link
12/10/2020 11:41:59 am

I struggle with many decisions and have read a lot on the subject but you've introduced some powerful new (to me) information. I will definitely be reading this again.

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Sara
12/10/2020 12:53:33 pm

Hi Janet - thanks so much for the comment. Sometimes when I struggle with a decision it's helpful to know everyone does at one time or another. The good news is, almost nothing is permanent. I know I've had quite a few "do-overs" on decisions. :)

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Hazel Thornton link
12/17/2020 11:26:21 am

This reminds me of so many things, including my own clients, for whom I've written posts called "Give Yourself Permission!", "Decisions, Decisions...", and "Keep or Toss? But I might need it someday!” Also, though, something I haven't written about but think of often is an old Lifehacker article called "Use Louis CK's 70% Rule to Avoid Decision Paralysis". Have you seen it? I think you'd like it because it's all about why and how making a 70% good decision can work out just fine.

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    Sara Skillen - Certified Professional Organizer®, Certified Organizer Coach®, wife, mom, dog-lover, author.  Learning to trust my intuition more every day. Shall we work together?

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